by Catherine Eves & Haleigh Yonish

It’s almost the New Year, which means… Pretty much the same old thing. No one’s going to stick to resolutions, no one’s going to create a “new me,” and no one’s going to keep up with that weird kelp diet that’s sure to help you drop 30 lbs. Except, aren’t we supposed to die in a fiery apocalypse next year? Since this is the last Leader of 2011 (hold your tears), we wanted to make it more sparkly than Edward’s washboard abs (okay, so maybe these Twilight jokes are getting a little old). Although not everyone is meant for the “high life” of parties and puking and glitter and countdowns, this Beat guide is designed to help make this Dec. 31 about the same as it was last year, but maybe with a little more pizzazz.

Top six party drama fixes

Sometimes, you get your dream night – dancing with your crush, getting pleasantly tipsy, and ending the night with a room full of friends. Other times… Well, other times, shit goes down. Here’s a survival guide for six of the most likely NYE disasters.

Well, this party went down the drain
Are these kids playing “Dungeons and Dragons”?! (See previous issue). Is that root beer? Oh, no, gurl – you are so outta here. But, the night is still young! Text your crush a winky face and ask him what he’s doing; it’ll be last minute enough to make it look like you aren’t too desperate, and you can spend the night smooching away instead of eating pizza bagels at some dweeb’s house. Or, stay and try to make it into an ironically cool thing. We hear D&D players have some mean weed.

Some party pooper called the cops! Cheese it!
Regardless of age, you need to GTFO – no one wants to spend the first day of the New Year behind bars. Some good hiding places: the back of a closet, the basement’s crawl space, under a canoodling couple, in the cupboard under the stairs… It’s time to get imaginative, people! Otherwise, res life will kick ya right out of here, and you’ll be looking for a December lease, which is damn near impossible. No one wants to be a Scumbag Steve sleeping on people’s couches because the closest apartment you could find was in Lombard.

Okay, this party is just plain scary…
With the junkies passed out in the corner, and the partiers all looking to be the age of your weird uncle, it’s time to high tail it outta there. Be sure to stick to the walls, Charlotte Perkins Gilman. Don’t touch anything, but, really, don’t eat the chips from the communal chip bowl. You will die. Parties like these are not for the faint of heart, so be sure to carry smelling salts with you in case one of your pals passes out from the fear. Show us the meaning of haste, Shadowfax.

Who needs friends when you have a bag of wine?
Every girl needs to bring an oversized tote bag to stash the once-boxed bag of wine that turns parties from lame into flame. Don’t share and instead opt to get super wasted so you can make all new friends! Nothing is more attractive than an obnoxious, drunk stranger in a cute, sequined dress! Word of caution: Don’t go home with anyone you haven’t known for at least thirty minutes. That’s just plain trashy.

About to pass out in a pool of your own vomit?
So, maybe you had a bad combination of ten tequila shots and three Cheesy Blasters, and even just looking at that porcelain throne makes you gag. Avoid conversation and eye contact; instead, stare at your cell phone screen and pretend that the words aren’t complete gibberish. Don’t hum along to that Black Eyed Peas song, don’t stand up too quickly, and don’t talk to anyone, not even your friends. With a little concentration, this too shall pass… Or, at least, you can hold down the chunks until you are safe at home with a sturdy hair tie and a cup full of ice to keep the spoiled, meaty taste at bay.

Well, your ride bailed, so…
Whether it be that your DD is now completely trashed or left to go somewhere cooler (jerk), steer clear of that guy from math class who offered you a ride after he has been leering at you down his beer bottles all night. No calling your mommy, baby boo boo. And, for the love of god, avoid anyone named Stuntman Mike. Don’t be such a cheapskate – it’s your fault you got drunk. Shell out a few dolla-dolla bills and call a cab. AAA Universal Taxi (630-724-1776) and Universal Taxi Dispatch (630-617-5649) are both located in Elmhurst, for your drunken convenience.

Which lipstick should you wear to your NYE party?

Ladies, listen – if there’s one thing that you need to do on New Year’s Eve, it is to validate yourself based on if someone, anyone, gives you a countdown smooch. Fellas, judge girls based on the categories they are shoveled into due to surface-level questions. We’re not looking for life partners, here, people; it’s time to put on your finest snogging face.

1. On a Friday night, what are you most likely to be doing?
a. Shopping for some glam heels
b. Hanging with my BFF – lol, just some girl time
c. Mackin’ on that hot boy from bio
d. Reading Harry Potter

2. What’s your favorite zoo animal?
a. Cheetahs – at least their print!
b. Koalas, so cuddly n’ soft
c. Snake – kinda phallic lol jk
d. Elephants – emotional, talented, and smart

3. Who is your biggest celeb crush?
a. Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino – getting rich for partying? F*** yeah!
b. Ryan Gosling – He’s soooo sweet in The Notebook
c. Ryan Reynolds – Have you seen his abs?!
d. Adam Scott – Skinny ties, colored shirts, and equal rights. Mmm.

4. What’s your favorite Starbucks drink?
a. Skinny mocha-frap, no whip, coffee-free
b. Hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, please!
c. Caramel latte with extra espresso
d. Just plain black

5. One accessory you can’t leave home without:
a. Tiffany charm bracelet
b. Pictures of my family in my Hello Kitty wallet
c. A cherry-flavored condom – gotta be safe!
d. Chicago Tribune crossword puzzle

Answers

Mostly A’s: Brown Sugar
You really are daddy’s little princess! Use his credit card, buy ten outfits, and take a visit to ULTA – this New Year’s, you’ll be wearin’ a sassy brown.

Mostly B’s: Girly Pink
Awww, sweetheart! You and your gal pals will have a great time this NYE rockin’ out to John Mayer (…) and fightin’ with pillows. Wear a shimmery pink for the 500 Facebook photos you’re sure to upload.

Mostly C’s: Ravishing Red
Va va voom! This sexy red is perfect for leaving your mark on every man’s… Cheek. Make sure to carry the stick in your purse so that when you vomit out that tequila, you can reapply.

Mostly D’s: Burt’s Bees
Let’s be honest: You don’t want to go out and socialize with anyone. Just stay inside, apply your Burt’s Bees, Skype with your dog, secretly read Twilight, and contact The Beat about writing.

Drink Guide

If you’re going to put on your fancy clothes, you might as well serve some fancy drinks. That’s right – bust out the star-shaped icemakers and take a visit to the juice isle. It’s time to make infantile mixed drinks that hardly taste like alcohol, people!

Rum Punch 
6 cups pineapple juice
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup lemon juice
1 Fifth rum
7-Up or Sprite

Directions: Heat pineapple juice until sugar dissolves. Cool. Mix the rest of ingredients except 7-Up and put in freezer over night. To serve, put 1/2 frozen mixture and 1/2 7-Up in glass.

Berry Berry Jello Shots
1 small berry Jell-O gelatin
1 cup boiling water
1/2 cup cold water
1/2 cup strawberry Schnapps

Directions: Mix as directed on box, adding alcohol. Pour into pan or small cups and refrigerate.

Orange Blossom Punch
Orange Blossom Punch
1 cup frozen concentrate (thawed)
10 ounces frozen daiquiri mix (thawed)
1 bottle champagne (chilled)
4 cups cold water

Directions: In bowl, stir concentrate and mix. Add water and stir. Add champagne, but do not stir. Serve immediately over ice. Garnish with strawberries and orange wedges.